Therapy: Week 3

I’m pleased to say that Week 3 was good and I know that I engaged more. This was because of the activity that the therapist used. The session was based around expressing my emotions. Last week, we discussed how I find colour a helpful engagement tool as well as visuals. So the therapist got out a pack of Emotional Literacy cards. (These were the ones).

These cards each had seemingly random doodles on. For example, a brick wall, a broken heart, a sky, squiggles. She said usually she would ask clients to choose 2 or 3 that represent the past, present and their ideal future. However, she asked me just to do the present as that would be more manageable. I didn’t think I’d enjoy the activity as it seemed quite childish, however it was ideal for me. In situations with therapists etc I often retreat to a child like state and so they were pitched at the correct level.

I chose 4 cards and then we discussed each and related then to me. They were helpful with my engagement as I felt under less pressure to answer questions correctly. I felt a lot more at ease with talking freely and she does seem to be understanding me (very difficult)! 

We also discussed what I had been expecting from this therapy. I’d been expecting counselling regarding said incident, as the organisation exists to support victims of sexual assault. However, the therapist corrected me: how could I help you if I didn’t take the other things into account? They are not separate things, they are all interlinked. I couldn’t begin to counsel you around the incident without understanding why you feel as you do. 

I had put the incident in one box and my mental health in another box. I feel much more positive about the therapy now I know we might be able to unravel other things too. 

  

Sunshine Blogger Award

Thanks to Invoke Delight for the nomination for the Sunshine Blogger Award.

sunshine-blogger-award

Here are my answers to the set questions:

1. Unicorn or dragon?

Unicorn – they can probably play the ‘I’m a girl’ card to get help..but inside they are strong and would then know how to use this help to their advantage.

2. Really?

I think so – but I don’t really know much about unicorns or dragons. I like that dragons are probably more respected.

3. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up (you can have more than one answer)?

I wanted to be a barmaid and have 13 children! Fortunately I chose against this!

4. Marmite or Vegemite?

I know I’m in the hate category for marmite. Is vegemite in the UK? I haven’t tried it but it already sounds more appealing.

5. Where would you like most to go on holiday, and what would you do when you got there?

I want to return to Prague in August. Probably for a chill holiday rather than touristy since I’ve already been once and it was beautiful.

6. If you could go to space (but never come back) would you do it?

Gah. Erm no, probably not. I’d be lonely.

7. Where’s the most random place you’ve ever slept?

I’m not adventurous enough for that shit.

8. If you could build a secret passageway in your current home, where would it go (kitchen, bathroom, secret island, lair in a volcano, etc) and how would it get there (e.g. elevator, fireman’s pole a’ la batman, stairs, rope ladder etc)?

I’d love a travelator to get from room-to-room. But I’d also like a secret travelator to a sensory room.

9. If you could be anything you wanted to be, what would you be?

A monkey

10. There’s a fire in your house, you only have time to take one thing out, what would you take?

Guinea pig – Jerry.

11. Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time (like, really, not the ‘fake answers’ people are coached into saying for interviews)?

Working with kids with disabilities & still volunteering.

Here are 11 blogs I nominate and 11 questions below those:

Lucy

Beautifully Borderline

Borderline Babbler

Sarah

Nowhere Girl

Camilla

Peace from Panic

Brighton Bipolar

Lauren Hayley

How to get up from an all time low

Marci

  1. Favourite season?
  2. Do you do something for yourself daily?
  3. When was the last time you went away?
  4. Have you done any volunteering?
  5. List 3 things you like about yourself.
  6. List 3 things others like about you.
  7. Do you cleanse, tone, moisturise?
  8. Twice a day?
  9. Are you scared?
  10. Could you share a piece of advice?
  11. Savoury or sweet?

Mwah x

Therapy: Week 2.

I’m highly unlikely to share detailed updates of any therapy. But I did say I would update once I had started any. So yesterday, was my second week of a long process. 

I’ve waited a year for this one and hopefully it will be worth that wait. Last year I had an initial assessment to put me on that waiting list & the organisation have been good in updating me when I have asked. 

I didn’t make it to the first appointment which was no surprise. I went into meltdown & could not be persuaded to go. But a couple of weeks later I did attend. It was a pretty standard first appointment, aiming to get to know me a little. Questions were asked about my background & I was sent away with a couple of questionnaires to complete myself. I’m quite bored of these questions as I feel like I’ve answered them over & over again but I was pleasantly surprised by one of the questionnaires. It was focused around disassociation & never has a questionnaire been so appropriate! 

Week 2 included separate conversations around previous relationships and emotions. 

I’ve been told that I will attend 6 initial appointments & that sixth will consist of myself and the therapist discussing if we think it will be helpful and if I am ready to engage with it. I’ve consciously tried to engage so far and have definitely responded more than previously. I’m pleased with the effort that I have put in, but it’s been emphasised that I need to engage even more. It’s exceptionally difficult because I know how much progress I have already made with engagement, but as I’ve not known the therapist previously, she obviously does not know this. 

In order to try and help with this engagement, the lady picked up on my enjoyment from colouring and has said that she can use this. We also discussed how I find it easier to convey emotions and thoughts to professionals if I write them down. 

Zzzz

Ohhh but sleeping tablets are bad for you. You should come off them. 

I never want to come off of mine due to sleep such as this:


Who would say no to that?!

I’ve taken zolpidem for a year & trazadone for a few months. Yes, they are addictive, but deep sleep wins the battle hands down. Without them I was barely sleeping. & withdrawing now leads to rebound insomnia, nightmares, vivid dreams, night sweats. Zolpidem guarantees me 7 hours which is the perfect amount.

Bottom line is: I feel much better when I’ve slept! 

Censored: wearing a mask in therapy

Oh so familiar.

Life in a Bind - BPD and me

censoring thoughts final

Part I – Speak before you think

Mask, verb: to hide, conceal, disguise

You can conceal something in many ways – by disguising it and making it look like something else; by hiding it away and making sure it isn’t seen. A mask can be something you put on to hide your expression; your expression can be something you put on to conceal your thoughts.

We all wear a mask and conceal our thoughts – in many ways life could not proceed without it. If we told everyone everything that was on our minds, all the time, the world would be an even noisier place and we would have precious few friends left in it. We pick and choose; we filter what we say, and in that sense we present the world a partial view. That’s okay – those are the accepted conventions of social conduct.

But the conventions in…

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Expression

Huge empathy.

BY LAUREN HAYLEY

I don’t know about the rest of you, but one of the things I find most difficult about living with mental illness is the lack of ability to express myself.

When ever I’m annoyed, upset, stressed or angry – I can never find the ways to say it. And this then contributes to the annoyance, upset, stress and anger even further; as well as irritating the people around me.

If me and my boyfriend ever argue; this is where the little things become mountains, because I can’t say how I feel. He takes it as though I’m ignoring him and won’t tell him what I’m thinking out of choice, but it’s not that – it’s not that at all. And eventually, the persistent asking of “just tell me what you’re thinking” leads to an outburst of momentary hate where the only words that can come out of my mouth are…

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